Don't They Know You Killed Jesus?

What part of the holiday season coaxes the crazies to enter society and spew their superfluous yet sensational rederick?



It's funny how word seems to travel as if a beacon of light in the sky, uniting the eccentric and encouraging them to spread the news. And perhaps I should clarify the individuals in reference would be of the evangelical influence.

Over the years, I've come to expect the occasional pamphlet, usually left propped up on the bathroom sink at work - or the more brave encounter of the Jehovah's Witness shattering knock on the front door at ungodly hours. I guess I've come to accept my fate as a resident of the Bible Belt, taking each "Do you have a moment?" with a grain of salt.

As soon as the decorations dress the store counters, the evangelical christians seep out of the woodwork and catch you off guard with such conviction in seemingly absurd statements. Yet the other day, the following interaction took the cake on the crazy train.


My coworker Liz fancies British comedy on an equal level as me, which aids to the enjoyment of work by slinging references and rusty accents back and forth. As the customers gain intensity as the special day draws closer, such banter allows us to maintain our sanity. After the third or so round, I worked on the last customer's latte. As I handed it off, said customer and I exchanged salutations and Liz and I returned to Life of Brian quotes.

A moment later, I ear my voice announced from the handout station. It was the same customer. I was surprised that she knew my name, which I had not remembered being part of the conversation, but that would be the least shocking element of the situation.

Her spiel was spectular! Although the laughter bubbling inside from the intensity streaming from this woman's eyes almost killed the moment.

"Laura..." she called and I headed to the end of the bar. "I am a Christian and God speaks through me on occasion." I felt my eyes widen and temporarily focus on the two orthodox Jews sitting at the table behind us.

"He wants me to tell you that He loves your humor and caring nature." Bullshit was the first word that came to mind, but she was damned entertaining at this point. Bring on the compliments.

"He has put songs in your heart that He wants you to sing." Are you kidding me?! "He will be in contact with you soon."

And with that, she walked away, leaving me stunned at my fortune - or gaining such an amazing nugget of religious extremism. Upon retelling the conversation, my coworker exclaimed loudly "Doesn't she know you killed Jesus?"

I know, right.