Having lived farther away from the comfort zone for most, noticed overtime varying degrees of interaction with internal struggle.....
I miss the basic comfort of feeling fully in the moment without acknowledging it, most recently Chunk's visit outside of the token freakouts on my part, but have recognized many more levels.
There's the person you think you are, not usually who you really are but a slightly lesser version of who you think you should be, if only so who you should be is a nearby attainable goal. Bullshit at best but we all love lying to ourselves.
There's the person you are with friend's, outside the constraints of constant self analyzing and bullshit you tell yourself, maybe truer in a sense because filters are off. I like this one best. Can't know who you are outside of the company you keep. I haven't kept company for a long time hence the push.
There's the overly polite person when amongst strangers that you don't feel obliged to infringe upon. The grandma you won't cuss around, the one you belittle brothers and cousins in front of so you look better in their eyes, when they don't give a shit and are gonna make you cornbread regardless with a smile.
The person who wants to be themself but is comprimising while you feel out the other parties involved with new friends you assume are future closer friends. When you throw out a few iffy topics in conversation testing waters, but generally stick to middle ground nonsense and how you like the cut of your jeans and where they could get a pair if they like the wash as much as you.
The person who doesn't give a fuck and wishes to cause a scene to make sure you are noticed for not being a part of what is going on. Usually the drunken loud fuck, but often turns into the more sinister quiet provacateur saying knowingly offensive things merely to get a rise and see how far things can be pushed before you start hanging out on the other side of the room.
There's the constant internal struggle to balance them all, usually to no avail. What's you're take on how all these fit together? I've recognized them in myself and i've been pretty oblivous in the past, so i know you mother fuckers have all played the roles.
i'm missing plenty. add on. i'm tickled.
chitty chat chat teehee.
4 comments:
you forgot to mention:
-the sex role when your alone or with friend.
-the im better than you guy
i play all of these on a regular basis. usually i reflect on the ones i played during the day when im trying to go to sleep, which is why my hours are always fucked up. you can't rest if guilt ghost is knocking.
i get the "im better" in the one up sense. often times this can be rewarding on a challenging scale when we're all pushing each other to be funnier or go farther, often times a depressing scale when the literal is involved and we start grandstanding.
elaborate on the sex role. conquests, machismo, bullshit lies to sound good, telling people what they want to hear because they've previously refused to believe something they wish vicariously happened didn't happen?
Guilt Ghost is the name of our new candy company. We'll make sugary treats in the shape of name brand pharmaceuticals. Quadrillionares on the horizon.
as i've gotten older and more isolated (as in most of my good friends moving far away) i think that my diffrent personalities have grown closer to one. I still shift around, but i'd say i keep the big guns out 90% of the time anymore. My job helps, as i doesn't really require me to be anyone i'm not.
Or maybe not. i just woke up.
I think recently i played one chunky from being behind the bar (app-town or cuizine) to talking to that guy on the plane to san deigo to shotguning beers at the pink elephant to driving to charleston in the middle of a huge storm to walking down folly with my shirt off looking for orange gatorade to fighting with rick and mike v to being behind the bar again later. i dunno. maybe i should write all this down before i forget about it. did i go off topic?
not off topic. basically just times when you find yourself acting other than "yourself" or whatever the fuck that is. acting differently in situations when a single way of acting would suffice for almost all.
ooooh. i forgot, the put on the accent times.
and the drag out the slang times. never even realize i'm doing it until too late.
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