Crazy Jesse Chronicles

Vol. 2 Road Trippin

The saga continues, in this week’s episode my dear friend and roommate gets a new toy. As you may or may not know I went to see Of Montréal on Halloween. The show was in Athens and I had to go to Aiken to assemble with the crew. Talking to Jesse the day before I realized he was also going to Aiken. I made the courageous choice to ride with him. The next day as I’m standing in the parking lot and I noticed a sports car hauling ass thru the area. It whizzes up scaring the shit out of me. I’m thinking this fuckin crazy bastard and who pops his head out but Jesse. He had borrowed under some false pretenses a distant relative’s badass Mustang. It occurred to me that the only people foolhardy enough to entrust him with such a vehicle would have to be related to him.

As all of you know from riding with Jesse it’s a freighting and intense position to be in. Jesse has a habit of attempting to do upwards of five things while driving. These are all done with average to poor ability but also with much vigor. I would compare his driving to that animal you see in the road that your sure is going to be hit and at the last moment it miraculously moves to safety. During the trip home there was much talk of his new religious beliefs which include chakras of electricity that flow thru everyone’s body. Apparently on women they are similar to a light socket (if you can plug into them the will light up). During an awkward conversion about Sue I learned that she often praised his cock. This involves rejoicing in its enormous size and using its preferred name “The Red Dragon”.

When we arrived in Aiken I breathed a sigh of relief. I’m safe! Jesse had other plans. We quickly veered of course. Apparently we needed to take a backwoods road detour. When questioned the reason for the change of trajectory he informed me that he’d been dreaming a lot lately about this road and he needed to drive it. I understood completely, we were now chasing demons. This is I’m sure you will agree the preferred way to end a trip. As we were going a 100 down a narrow, winding road it occurred to me what other things lurk in the cavernous mind of the red dragon. I was quickly brought back to reality by Jesse showing me were he used to pick blueberries, which also seemed like an essential stop to make. He then saw a sign advertising Sam Erb running for some office which sent him into long tangent about how he should run for politics. My response as I’m sure you would have said “Nix out the competition”. The expedition then took us to his childhood home where I learned that some real evil shit went on across the street.

Chunky eventually came to pick me up at a bar were Jesse had stranded me. But Jesse had one closing statement for all. “I need a real car like this! I’m gonna get one!”