I Watched This On Purpose: Speed Racer

Well the A.V. Club did it again. This has been my practices for years, watch a movie simply because you feel you must. I know it’s not going to good but I have to know. I’m not the only one either Chris & V your also guilty of seeing shit movies on purpose. I love having ammo ready on the off chance someone is actual a fan of the picture. Therefore, I’m taking the power back.

Cultural infamy: Supposed big blockbuster turns I to be the first real big bomb of the summer. This thing finished behind an Ashton Kutcher flick on its opening weekend. I’m Sold! Based on the silly cartoon, that everyone knows of but no one really cares about. Honestly, who was looking forward to a Speed Racer movie? The critics said it was ahead of its time/ in a bad way. Disposable cartoon gets a disposable movie to complement it.

Curiosity factor: The Wachowski Brothers made a classic with the Matrix that sent them into the stratosphere, where they been steady falling from ever sense (Ex. Matrix Revolutions). There are a lot of good actors in this movie: Emily Hersch, John Goodman, Christina Ricci. How bad can it really be?

The viewing experience: I went in thinking “well at least I’ll be entertained for a while” after a half an hour I was so bored I got a piece of paper to take notes in order to salvage something from the experience. Thus you have this article. Speed Racer seems to be on a mission to destroy you retinas. It is brighter than a fireworks show!

The film is rated PG and it feels like it. If you are under the age of 10 then this movie will slay you. It’s proud to be a kid’s movie from top to bottom. If you think boy & chimp shenanigans are hilarious then get ready for about a 30 mins dedicated to just that. There are a couple of races that feel like they were completely stolen from the Pod Race in Episode 1. Only a lot cornier: Hahh, look at that guy throw a bee’s nest in the other car! (Seriously that happens). Remember what it felt like to crash in Cruising World. That’s pretty much it. Cars racing in the desert are way extreme.

The movie is simply way too long. Are 2hrs & 15mins really necessary for a film based on a cartoon? The Wachowski’s continue their trend of high concept and piss poor follow thru (see the 2nd two Matrix movies or V for Vendetta for further examples). You can tell that they have talent and enthusiasm. However, they are completely misguided about where to put there emphasis. What about good charters or story?

The actors are really not even necessary. Complete non-factor. They could get anybody in their and it would be the same show. All the directors care about is the special effects and creating new kind of picture. Which equals using peoples faces as a cut transitions between CGI scenes. This movie is like eating cotton candy, and the actors are the color pink. It won’t fill you up but it seems like something fun. Hyperbole to the max!

Obviously the movie wasn’t intended for me or my demographic. Nevertheless, it was shoved in my face as something with potential. Therefore, it earned any barbs it gets just for being inescapable in the public eye. Anything that’s this loud, bright, obnoxious needs to be attacked with fervor.

How much of the experience was a total waste of time? About 90%! I enjoyed the film for about the length of a trailer. Also percentage points were awarded for boring me into a light nap which was semi-pleasant. Watch the trailer and you official given it all the attention it requires.